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W.C. Fields
1 "I love children provided they are cooked properly."
2 "I never vote for anyone, I always vote against."
3 "Anyone who hates small dogs and children can't be all bad."
4 "I am free of all prejudices, I hate everybody equally."
5 "I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."
6 (On Charles Chaplin)
"The son of a bitch is a ballet dancer! He's the best ballet dancer that ever lived, and if I get a good chance I'll strangle him with my bare hands"
7 (On why he doesn't drink water)
"Fish fuck in it"
8 "There's an Ethiopian in the fuel supply."
9 "Women are like elephants. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one."
10 "Give him an evasive answer. Tell him to go fuck himself."
Charles Chaplin
"I am the unusual and do not need camera angles."
"I remain one thing and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician."
"I want to play the role of Jesus. I'm a logical choice. I look the part, I'm a Jew and I'm a comedian and an atheist, so I'd be able to look at the character objectively."
Woody Allen
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"If only God would give me a sign. Such as making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm bringing along a change of underwear."
Hollywood
"You can seduce a man's wife there, rape his daughter and wipe your hands on his canary, but if you don't like his movie, you're dead."
Joseph Von Sternberg
"I've been to Paris France and to Paris Paramount. Paris Paramount is better."
Ernst Lubitsch
"I went to Scotland and found nothing there that looks like Scotland."
Arthur Freed
"They ruin your stories. They trample on your pride. They massacre your ideas, and what do you get for it ? A fortune."
"In Hollywood you can be forgotten while you're out of the room going to the toilet."
"They shoot too many pictures and not enough actors."
Mel Brooks
"The death of Hollywood is Mel Brooks and special effects. If Mel Brooks had come up in my time he wouldn't have qualified to be a busboy."
Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Alfred Hitchcock
"I didn't think the old man would bleed so much."
"Always make the audience suffer as much as possible."
"There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it."
"If I made Cinderella, the audience would be looking out for a body in the coach."
"We get a star then we kill her."
"Disney has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor, he just tears him up."
Marilyn Monroe
"A vacuum with nipples."
"Directing her was like directing Lassie. You needed fourteen takes to get each one of them right."
Otto Preminger
"She has breasts like granite and a brain like Swiss cheese, full of holes. Extracting a performance from her is like pulling teeth."
Billy Wilder
* Didn't you have anything on ?
- I had the radio on.
(encounter with the press)
Groucho Marx
1 "I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin."
2 "If you want to see a comic strip you should see me in a shower."
3 "First picture I've seen in which the male lead has bigger tits than the female."
on Victor Mature in Samson and Delilah
4 "Dear Sir: If you continue to publish slanderous pieces about me I shall feel compelled to cancel my subscription."
5 "Je suis Marxiste, tendence Groucho."
(Paris graffiti in 1968)
6 "Why should I pay ten dollars for something I can see in the bathroom for nothing?"
(On the nudist musical Hair)
Richard Donner
"America's a new country and we have very little history. We have the American Indian and we have Superman. Don't fuck with either."
Warren Beatty
"He was insatiable. Three, four, five times a day was not unusual for him. And he was able to accept telephone calls at the same time."
Joan Collins
Marlene Dietrich on Youth
Marlene Dietrich to her photographer
MD: What's the matter with you, eight years ago you used to take marvellous pictures of me?
Photographer: Ah! But I was much younger then.
Mae West
1- "Oh, Miss West, I've heard so much about you
-Yeah, but you can't prove a thing."
2 "Is that your sword or are you just pleased to see me?"
3- "How tall are you son?
-Ma'am, I'm 6 feet 7 inches
-Let's forget the 6 feet and talk about the 7 inches."
4 (On arriving at her office and being greeted by a score of young men)
"I'm feeling a little tired today. One of those fellows'll have to go home."
5 "Beulah, peel me a grape."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
1 "I believe in large families: every woman should have at least three husbands."
2 "I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back."
3 "She's an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house."
Rita Hayworth
1 "Every man I knew had fallen in love wit Gilda and wakened with me."
2 "I haven't had everything from life. I've had too much."
Jack Benny
Hold-up Man: Your money or your life! Come on, come on, hurry up!
Benny: I'm thinking it over!
Samuel Goldwyn
1 "Have seen your picture (The Battleship Potemkin) and enjoyed it very much. Should like you to do something of the
same kind, but cheaper, for Ronald Colman."
2 "What we want is a story that starts wit an earthquake and works its way up to a climax."
3 "Tell me, how did you love the picture?"
4 "I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
5 "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined."
6 "In two words: im-possible"
7 "Let's bring it up to date with some snappy 19th century dialogue."
Ben Hecht
1 "The movies are an eruption of trash that has lamed the American mind and retarded Americans from becoming cultured people."
2 "Movies are one of the bad habits that have corrupted our century. They have slipped into the American mind more
misinformation in one evening than the Dark Ages could muster in a decade."
3 "A movie is never any better than the stupidest man connected with it."
Film Criticism (Memorable One-liners)
1 I Am a Camera. "Me no Leica."
2 Aimez-vous Brahms? "Brahms, oui."
3 Ben Hur. "Loved Ben, hated Hur."
4 No Leave, No Love. "No comment."
5 (Reviewer of a Jack Benny violin concert)
"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost."
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"He has so many muscles that he has to make an appointment to move his fingers."
Scriptwriter Dorothy Parker was asked for the third time why she had not delivered a script as agreed
"Because I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa."
Famous Sayings
1 "Move those ten thousand horses a little to the right."
(An instruction from D.W. Griffith during the filming of The Birth of a Nation)
2 "I've got your happy ending. We'll let the Germans win the war."
(Lewis Milestone's wry joke to his Universal bosses when they insisted on a happy ending to All Quiet on the Western Front."
Jayne Mansfield
"Miss United Dairies herself."
(David Niven)
Liberace
1 "You know that bank I used to cry all the way to? I bought it."
2 "Gee, you've been such a wonderful audience that I don't like to take your money. But I will."
Bob Hope, 1965
"They are doing things on the screen now that I wouldn't do in bed. If I could."
Walter Mattau insults Barbara Streisand on the set of Hello Dolly
"I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body."
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